"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
Eleanor Roosevelt
http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2008/03/16/personality-disorders-with-a-special-nod-to-narcissism/
Partners of Narcissists
I tend to disagree with studies I’ve read that healthy, stable people can find themselves in relationships with narcissists or borderlines. Most healthy people would intuitively RUN from relationships with these people. I can see how someone can “seem” to have it altogether but has unfinished business or some other self-doubt that attracts a narcissist or borderline and the doubt grows and grows as a result of the treatment/abuse by the narcissist.
But the most common partner of a narcissist or borderline is someone who is a perennial victim or martyr. Another common partner of a narcissist is someone who gets their self worth from the narcissist’s self-aggrandizing. In other words the narcissist thinks he or she is something special and the partner wants to be with someone special therefore they will be someone special. (complicated to describe).
Most partners of people with personality disorders are very codependent. I define them as “clinically codependent” (my term) even though there is no codependent term in clinical diagnosis this is my word for someone who needs aggressive intervention.
I find there are those who are everyday codependent, people who can read Codependent No More, go to a few CODA meetings, become very aware of their codep traits and change them.
Clinical codependents need more rigorous intervention. Therapy, tough love, and a complete withdrawal from the person with a personality disorder. If someone has been sucked into a relationship with a person with a personality disorder, especially cluster 2 personality disorder, my recommended first line of treatment is GET AWAY FROM THEM AND STAY AWAY FROM THEM. Otherwise you’re never going to get well.
When you leave your Psychopath or Narcissist, expect trouble.
Many of us start out with the idea that we can change our significant other. We think that if we love them enough, if we do enough, if we change ourselves enough, if we get them the help that they so desperately need, everything will work out.
If you are married or with a Psychopath or Narcissist, this is not so.
A Psychopath or Narcissist is not going to change. There is nothing wrong with him! The rest of the world is crazy. He thinks, why fix something that is not broken? When you leave him/her, he/she might tell you that he's going to change. He might tell you that he will seek help.
You see, he doesn't want to lose you. You are what is called, "Narcissistic Supply". You are his drug and he is a junkie. Psychopaths or Narcissists really like attention. They like you to swoon over them. They want you to think that they are "all that" and a bag of chips. They want you to kiss their feet and kiss their butts. And when you don't do that it really upsets them. They want that drug. They need that fix, and they want YOU my dear to give it to them. But the moment you take him back, guess what? He's back to his lying cheating sorry self.
So this is what happens.
In order to break free, you gotta get rid of him and never take him back. To get your life back- you gotta do this.
And you gotta put in place what is called a "No Contact" order.
That means, you will not accept any form of communication from him. You extricate him out of your life completely and totally. This is to show him that you are not going to suck up to him ever again. You are not going to kiss his butt and his feet anymore. And when you don't do that, he'll go away. He might persist for a while. He might email you every so often just to see if he can suck a little more of your brain out. He likes that. You get upset, and you are giving him supply if you react. You see, them N's, they like supply whether it be positive or negative. They want the reaction and they get that fix. OH BOY they say, I can still get to her. I can still upset her.
That is why you need that No Contact. When you have that No Contact, you get him out of your life.
This means:
No accepting phone calls.
No listening to voice messages.
No accepting any snail mail
No accepting presents from him.
No talking to him if he comes by home or work
No accepting messages from him from a friend or anyone. Tell them that you do not wish to know.
No accepting emails from him. Block that sucker. Block his emails. Block his name on your buddy list. Make it so he can't see YOU online.
Get it now? Nothing.
When we say No Contact we mean NO CONTACT!
This is the only effective way to get the P out of your life. After so long, he's going to say, well darn, she won't have anything to do with me. I guess I better move on and get me some new supply. And then he is out of your life.
P's can be just about anyone in your life. Your Mom or Dad, your SO, your brother or sister, your friend, your boss and even a co-worker. The only thing to do is get them out of your lives. Don't take the abuse and crazy making that they do to you. And if you are in a physically abusive relationship,
GET OUT RIGHT NOW AND DON'T LOOK BACK!
